Fan Fictions
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4328910/1/The_unspeakable_night -An unspecable night
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4141226/1/Bruises -Bruises
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4466489/1/Rosalies_Daughter_Bellas_Sacrifice -Rosalies Daughter and Bellas Sacrifice
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4452705/1/Cullen_IMing -Cullens IMing
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4443444/1/Beauty_and_the_Geek -Beauty and the Geek!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4127007/1/Tainted_Love- Tainted Love!!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4370241/1/Shes_a_Mystery Shes a Mystery
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4464028/1/Sick Sick
“EDWARD!” Emmett shouted, from the somewhat living room.
“What!?” Edward walked down staires with Bella.
“I have a question!” He jumped up and down excitedly.
Emmett then blocked his thoughts to make the question better; Edward would have less time to think up a smart-aleck answer.
“Ok, so you know how there is that saying ‘Don’t throw stones in a glass house’?”
“Yeah what about it?” Edward was getting annoyed VERY quickly.
“Well I was wondering what if you’re stuck in the glass house? And that was the only option you could find?” Emmett was completely confused on what to do.
“First of all, when will you be stuck in a glass that you’ll need an answer? Also I think throwing stones in any household is a bad idea, you could hurt someone or break something. Why is there an exception for glass houses any way? Throwing stones in any house in bad mannars.” Edward began to go a long rant about, throwing stones, and the consequences.
“Oh, so if I’m stuck it’s ok to throw stones?” Emmett asked
“Of course!” Edward replied.
“Wait, wait, wait.” Bella jumped into the discussion.
“Yes Bella?” Edward turned to see why she jumped into the brotherly moment about throw stones.
“Emmett, instead in throwing stones in the glass house, why don’t you just open the door?” Bella exclaimed.
“Doors are over-rated.” He shook his head, as if saying ‘Duh’.
“I’m so out of here.” Bella left the dead/living room.
“Bella!” Edward was about to follow, but was stopped by Emmett again.
“One last question.” Emmett sounded like a whiney child that wanted something stupid.
“What!?”
“Ok, so why is it when escalators are not working the store puts up a sign that say ‘Out of Order’ when it could just say ‘Temporarily Staires’?
_________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hey, Bella!” Jasper waved wildly at Bella. A grin spread across his whole face. “I love you! And I love the world! And I love Alice! And, and I LOVE EVERYTHING!” He then began to skip merry around the room.
“Ummm…What happened to Jasper?” Bella asked Alice.
“We sent him to therapy. He’s a new vampire, who loves the world and isn’t emo in the least!” She smiled and linked arms with Jasper and the two began to spin around in circles.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hey, Edward.” Emmett stood with a smiled spread wide across his face. “I want to show you something.”
“What Emmett?” Edward crossed his arms annoyed by Emmett.
“A magically land, where it’s ok to be a vampire.” Emmett danced around Edward as he spoke of the magic.
“Where?” Edward pretended to yawn.
“Come with me, Edward.” Emmett led Edward down to the Red Cross. They walked through the door, revealing a blood drive.
“See,” Emmett pointed. “They’re draining the blood from the people, so that the vampires don’t have to. They are so nice.”
“Emmett, that’s not what’s for.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, Emmett.” Edward shook his head.
“Oh, it’s not. Oh well maybe I shouldn’t have brought Victoria’s band of newborns here. Oh well.” As soon as Emmett finished talking, twenty or so newborns busted through the door and began to cause chaos.
“I’ll get a mop.” Edward walked away.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Emmett watched intensely as his favorite T.V. show, Blue’s Clues, was coming to a close. Just one more clue and Steve had all he needed to succeed in find out what Blue wanted to do.
“A clue, a clue.” The children shouted from the T.V.. Emmett began to shout with them.
“A clue, a clue. Look, Edward!” He pointed to the T.V.. “It’s the last clue.”
“That’s nice, Emmett.” Edward completely ignored Emmett and went back to making out with Bella as he had been doing prior to being asked a question.
“Ok, it’s time for the Thinking Chair!” Steve said merrily, as he danced his way over to the chair. But before the mystery of what Blue wanted to do was solved, something appeared.
“The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunderstorm warning for the following counties…” It began to list names of counties.
“Oh no!” Emmett screamed. “How will I know what Blue wants to do?” The shock was overwhelming him.
“Edward!”
“Yeah.” Edward stopped making out with Bella to answer.
“We have to figure out the clues.” Emmett was panicking.
“Ask Jasper to help you. I’m busy.”
--
Five minutes later, Jasper was dressed in a green striped shirt and kakis. Edward was on all fours wearing a random blue dog suit they had laying around. Bella had a white sheet draped over her, so she looked like the bar of talking soap. And Alice, who unfortunately walked down stairs too soon, was wearing a large clock costume.
“Alright everyone. Let’s figure out these clues.” Emmett handed the group the list of clues he wrote down.
Edward looked at the drawings and identified them all. “A frying pan, a meatball hoagie, and a French vanilla latte.”
Jasper looked at the list. “I’m pretty sure, Edward/Blue, wants to beat Emmett with the frying pan. Then give the meatball hoagie to Rosalie as a peace offering for beating her husband with a frying pan. And finally, who cares about the lattee anyway. Beat him with the frying pan!” Jasper pointed at Emmett. Everyone held up random cook wear.
“Umm…Blue skidoo. We can too.” And with that he ran.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“Hey,” Alice lifted a wallet from the kitchen table. “ Carlisle left his wallet.” She smiled a wicked pixie smile.
“So.” Rosalie looked very disinterested.
“Oh, come on, Rosalie. Think of the shopping.” Alice’s smile grew.
“No, Alice. I don’t want to.” Rosalie walked away.
“ You’re no fun. I’m sure the boys will have fun with me. Edward! Jasper! Emmett! Carlisle left his wallet again.”
“Did he leave his credit cards?” Emmett called in return.
“Yes.” She replied.
“Yes!” And with that, Edward, Emmett, and Jasper appeared in front of Alice. “To the QVC channel!” Emmett grabbed Alice’s hand and ran into the living room with her and the other boys following behind.
Jasper flipped through the channels on the T.V. until they reached QVC shopping.
“And now,” Alice started. “We will perform our favorite past time. Buying random stuff with Carlisle’s credit card while he’s at work.”
“First up,” The saleswoman on QVC began. “We have these fine hand bags. Handmade in Japan.”
“Boring…” Emmett said as he leaned backwards on the couch, he could already tell today was going to be slow.
--
Five hours, and seven handbags, four toasters, a trench coat, and fourteen flashlights later, the item of the day came on.
“Today our daily special is a…” The woman paused for a moment to look at her prompt card. “A lifetime supply of ham.”
“OH MY GOD! I LOVE HAM!” Emmett excitement had him yelling in Edward’s ear.
“Emmett, you can’t eat it, you know.” Edward pushed Emmett away from him.
“I know, but think of the possibilities. You can carve animals out of it. You can lure dogs with it. You can give it as a present. You can name and keep as a pet. Ham is the most amazing creation ever, Edward. Why don’t you want it?”
“Emmett,” Alice looked to him. “Would you like the ham?”
“Yes, please.” He nodded.
--
Four weeks later, there was a knock at the door. Carlisle answered it.
“Hello, sir.”
“Hello.” Carlisle nodded.
“Here’s your ham, sir.”
“My ham?”
“You know, the lifetime supply of ham you ordered.”
“Oh right. Thank you.”
The boxes were put in the house and the deliveryman left.
“Kids!” Carlisle shouted. “Which one of you ordered the lifetime supply of ham again?”
___________________________________________________________________________________
Emmett held a cute, little kitten in his arms. It was completely black and purring softly. Emmett petted the kitty as he walked his way into the mansion.
“Carlisle!” Emmett called, holding the kitty protectively. “Carlisle, I got you something.”
Carlisle appeared in the staircase. “What did you-“ He saw the kitten and a surprised smile spread across his face. “It’s a pretty kitty!” His voice squeaked as he spoke.
“Yeah, this is to make up for Fluffy. Her name is Princess. And she is so excited to have you as her daddy.” Emmett lifted the kitten to his face. “Isn’t that right, Princess?”
“Emmett, stop!” Carlisle ran over and snatched the kitten away from Emmett. “It’s my cat!” And with that Carlisle ran away with his ‘Princess’.
--
Four days later, Emmett was thirsty, and unfortunately for Princess, she was walking right in his view.
“No. No. I already killed three of Carlisle’s cats this month…must resist.” Emmett’s eyes watched the kitty. “Must not.” He grabbed on to the table behind him, trying to hold his body back from pouncing on the kitten. “Jasper!”
“Yes, Emmett.” Jasper appeared downstairs.
“Bite the cat, so that it’s a vampire cat and I would eat it.”
“That is the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard.” Emmett’s eyes met Jasper’s. “But fine.” Jasper went over and bit Princess. She began to have a seizure type reaction on the floor.
“Happy, Emmett?”
“Yes, very Jasper. Thank you.”
--
Three weeks later, Carlisle was walking through the front yard, when he came across some random corpses lying lop-sided and scattered around the yard.
“Ummm…this might be a problem.” There was a loud scream, Carlisle turned to see Princess jumping on top of a random Forks citizen and knocking them to the ground. Princess then began to maul the person, and once the satisfied. Princess leaned down and drank the blood of her victim. She looked over at Carlisle and hissed.
“A vampire cat…Excellent.” Carlisle walked back into the house.
_________________________________________________________________________________
“Hi, Edward!” Emmett waved wildly to Edward.
“Hi, Emmett.” Edward waved slightly.
“Edward, so I was thinking…I think we should become super heroes.”
“And what made you think we would be good super heroes, Emmett?”
“We’ll we’re all gorgeous and we’ve all got powers. Come on, Edward. I already thought of names for us.” He begged Edward to give in.
“What kind of names did you come up with?” Edward raised an eyebrow towards him.
“Well, Carlisle would be V Doc.”
“When did we decide Carlisle was becoming a rapper? No, Emmett that’s stupid. Someone might think he’s going be laying down some serious beats, not saving lives.”
“Ok, ok…Esme would be Free Fall.” Emmett smiled at his choice.
“That’s just mean…what am I? Influenza boy?” Edward crossed his arms.
Emmett sighed. “Ok, so maybe that one was a little mean. I got better. Rosalie would be Sexy Babe.”
“Emmett, I am not calling Rosalie ‘Sexy Babe’.” Edward stuttered at the thought.
“Fine, Alice would be Sightseer. Cool, huh?”
“No.” Edward shook his head. “That’s stupid. She sounds like a tourist.”
“Jasper would be…The Stupid Confederate.” Jasper appeared and smacked Emmett in the back of the head.
“Thank you, Jasper.” Edward nodded to Jasper as he left the room.
“I would be Super Emmett!” He proudly declared with a smile across his face.
“Super Emmett is going to get punched in the face in about four seconds.” Edward made a move to leave.
“You’re going. You haven’t even heard you name.”
“Considering the rest. I don’t want to hear it. Goodbye.” Edward was about to, but Emmett grabbed his arm.
“Oh come on. You would be Spedward.” He laughed as he said it.
“You know what. I would have liked Influenza Boy better.” Edward left the room.
--
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“Guys!” Alice screamed as she ran around the house. “Guys, I just had a vision and we have a problem!”
“How big of a problem?” Edward asked as he added a card to the house of cards he was building.
“Super huge-arific!” Alice held out her hands to show how big.
“What did you see, Alice?” Jasper asked.
“Someone’s house is on fire! And, being superheroes, need to go put it out.”
“Alice, we not superheroes.” Edward went back to ignoring her to finish his house of cards. “Emmett is just a lunatic.”
“Oh, come on, Edward. Someone might get hurt.” She pouted.
“Yeah, Edward.” Jasper pouted with Alice. She walked over and sat on his lap and they both proceeded to give Edward the puppy dog look.
“Oh, come on.” Edward waved his hand. “You two are acting like a bunch of werewolves.”
Jasper and Alice looked at one another. “I’m insulted.” Alice said. “I am not that furry.”
“Fine, we can be superheroes, just this once.”
“Yes!” Emmett screamed as giddy as a schoolgirl. Running into the room, he began jumping up and down. “Let’s go.”
They all piled into Carlisle’s car, and by piled, I mean, they were laying on top of each other because there wasn’t enough seats for everyone.
“Couldn’t we all just have run? It would have been just as fast.” Edward asked as he was being crushed by Jasper who was laying across everyone in the back seat.
“No, Edward. We need a super awesome car, if we are going to be fighting crime.” Emmett pushed Jasper more on to Edward, who grunted. “We’ll call our means of transportation…The Enigma Engine.”
“Emmett?”
“Yeah?”
“You are so stupid.”
“Thank you.” Emmett smiled.
They arrived at the ‘burning house’, only to realize it wasn’t burning yet.
“Umm…Alice, it’s not on fire.” Edward said staring out at the clearly not burning house.
“I know, but it will be.” She got of the car with everyone else. “And we have to save everyone.”
“Ok…”
Carlisle busted through the door with Esme and Rosalie flanking right and left. “Move, move.” The Cullens ran into the house.
“What the heck?” The resident of the house, who was a middle-aged woman, yelled. “Who are you people?”
“We are the Capricious Cullens, protectors of Forks. I am V Doc. This is my lovely wife, Free Fall.” He pointed. “ My daughters, Sightseer and Sexy Babe.” Rosalie and Alice waved. “And my sons, The Stupid Confederate, Super Emmett and Spedward.”
“Influenza Boy.” Edward corrected.
“I like Spedward better. Sorry.” He turned back to the woman. “We come to save you from you fire.”
“There’s no fire.”
“Not yet.” Carlisle ran over and grabbed the woman and pulled her from her home. “Let’s move.”
“Yay! I want to make some pancakes for Bella to celebrate our first time saving someone.” Emmett sat down on the ground next to the house and lit a campfire, which caught the house on fire. “Crap.” He looked down at the fire. “Darn, you pancakes.”
The Cullens left while the woman’s house burned to the ground.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“Oh My Carlisle!” Alice shouted from the living room. “EMMETT!”
“What?!” Emmett was standing right next to her.
“Are you REALLY going to host a tilt-a-whirl contest?” Alice was so excited she was doing back flips.
“Heck yes!”
Emmett and Alice began a happy dance to celebrate the happy time.
“Let’s get everyone together in the backyard and began the game!” Alice danced away with jittery anticipation.
And thus the game begun, there were all slit into teams of two.
Edward and Bella
Esme and Carlisle
Emmett and Jasper
Rosalie and Alice
Everyone was fine for the first about…5 seconds until Bella got sick already. Edward had NO chance of winning because you and your partner had to stay in the game.
The game continued on without Edward and Bella. This contest could take a LONG time, mostly because none of them need to eat, sleep, or go to the potty.
“I’m bored!” Emmett complained from his sit with Jasper. “Jasper entertain me!”
“No, I’m in a meeting.” Jasper said.
“A meeting! Can I come?!” He began to jump with excitement.
“No, it’s only for emos. Sorry.”
“I can be emo!” Emmett challenged.
“Fine, go for it.” Jasper accepted.
Five long hours passed.
“I have to go cut myself in the bathroom.” Jasper stood up from his seat and was about to step out, but Emmett jumped out before him.
“I’M MORE EMO THEN YOU SO I GOING TO GO CUT MYSELF BEFORE YOU! HA!” Emmett bolted away to the bathroom, followed by the one and only real emo, Jasper.
Two teams down.
Random amount of hours pass again.
“Oh No!” Carlisle shouted.
“What?! What, honey?” Esme tried to calm the frantic Carlisle.
“I didn’t feed Princess!” Carlisle leaped out of the seat and was gone before anyone could point out the cat is a vampire it doesn’t eat.
Three teams down.
“Hey Rose.” Alice turned to her.
“What?”
“I think we just won. WHOOO!” Alice did another back flip.
“Yippy Skippy.” Rosalie was VERY sarcastic.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Miley Cyrus danced across the Cullen’s T.V. screen. Emmett, Alice and Jasper watched intently as she smiled and bounced around singing her new hit,‘7 Things’.
“Oh yeah!” Emmett stood up from the couch and began to dance around like Miley. “I love Miley Cyrus! And I hate Hannah Montana!”
“You realize they are the same person, right?” Jasper asked.
“No! They are not!” Emmett stopped dancing and stuck his tongue out at Jasper. “They are very different.”
“Whatever.” Jasper put his head on Alice’s chest. “God, I hate this music. It has too much hope.”
“Oh…” Emmett looked anger. “Shut up, Jasper.” He turned back to the screen to see the very end of the music video.
Miley danced her final jig, and then turned to the camera and mouthed. ‘I love you’.
“OH MY GOD!” Emmett screamed. “MILEY LOVES ME!”
“Alice,” She looked down at Jasper. “Let’s escape while we can.” The two stood up and sliently left the room.
“I have to tell her I love her too!” Emmett ran out to his truck and turned on the engine. “Don’t worry, Miley, my love! Your vampire lover, Emmett, is on his way!”
6 MINUTES LATER
Emmett had driven incredibly fast so he could see his love. He kicked in the Cyrus’ residence door and ran straight into the house.
“Miley! I read your lips and I know you love me!”
“Umm…excuse.” Miley Cyrus appeared in front of Emmett. “What the heck are you doing in my house?”
“I watched your video 7 Things, and at the end you proclaimed your love for me, so I came! I LOVE YOU!”
“Umm…no,” She looked around quickly. “Security!”
Two huge guards appeared and pulled Emmett from the house.
“Don’t come back you creep!” Miley yelled from her front porch.
4 DAYS LATER
“So, Emmett. Did Miley actually love you?” Jasper finally asked.
“Actually she loves me so much she signed a legal document, that said that me personally can’t come in 200 mile radius of her.” He held out the paper. “She loves me so much!”
___________________________________________________________________________________
Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullen clan were riding in the family car Carlisle had just bought that morning.
“Hey, look.” Emmett pointed. “It’s the Lincoln Tunnel. Hold your breath until the end of it and you get a wish.”
“Let’s do it.” Alice smiled.
“Umm…guys.” Bella started. “You realize I’m a human and can’t hold my bre-“ She was cutoff by Alice covering her mouth as they entered the tunnel.
“Hold your breath, Bella.”
The Cullens all held their breaths and considering they don’t have to breath anyway this was easy. Bella on the other hand was panicked as she tried to pull Alice’s hand from over her mouth. Bella was becoming increasing faint. Her vision was swimming and she needed to breath, but Alice didn’t notice.
And finally after about a minute without breathing, Bella passed out on the floor. Alice looked at her confused.
“Carlisle, I think Bella fainted.”
“Then she doesn’t get a wish because she probably took a breath.” Carlisle replied.
“Oh, ok.” Alice went back to seating nicely in her seat.
After exiting the Tunnel, the Cullens all let out fake breaths of relief. Edward looked down at his feet to see Bella. “What happened to her? She can’t hold her breath? What the heck?”
____________________________________________________________________________________
The phone rang loudly; Carlisle went over to answer it. “Hello…. Yes, it’s me…. Oh, ok…bring him over… You’re welcome. Bye.”
“Umm…what was that about?” Edward asked crossing his arms. “The caller id said ‘Black’, so what are you best friends with Jacob now or something?”
“No, Jacob has a fever of 113 and since if they took him to the actually hospital everyone would freak out because his temperature is so high.”
“Oh, so he’s coming over here?”
“Yup. They should be here.” There was a knock at the door. “Now.”
Jacob was left in the living room alone with Edward, Emmett, Alice and Jasper.
“So since he’s unconscious and won’t know what we did to him, what do you want to do?” Edward asked staring down at Jake.
“Well, he is a hot as a stove.” Emmett cupped his chin with his hand. “Let’s cook dinner for Bella on his face!”
“That is an excellent idea, Emmett.” Edward replied smiling. “Alice, go get some ingredients.”
Alice returned with some random things she just grabbed off the shelf in the kitchen. A bottle of ketchup, three packages of Jiffy Pop, the French Vanilla latté, from the time Emmett made them reenact Blue’s Clues, a large piece of chicken and a pinecone.
“Jasper, you’re in charge of cooking.” Edward pointed to him and her nodded.
Jasper placed a pot full of water on Jacob’s face and waited until it began to boil. Then he proceeded to cook the rest of the meal.
--
Three hours later, Jasper was finished and the group was feeding Bella and Jacob, just because they were afraid they’d have extra, the meal.
“Mmmm…this is so good.” Bella complemented.
“Where did you find a place to cook this?” Jake asked, noticing no stove and knowing they didn’t need one.
“Your face.” Edward replied.
“Ha ha…” Jake mocked laughed. “No, seriously. Where?”
The group responded this time in unison. “ Your face.”
“You know what? You guys suck. Literally.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
Rosalie was walking through the park near the Cullen home, soaking in the day. She stopped to look at flowers and dance around in circles and such. Today was going to be an awesome day. She knew it.
And then she saw it-no, not it- him. A little baby boy with light brown curly hair and the cutest smile ever. Rosalie growled at the mother who had left such a precious gift unattended. Suddenly it struck her, take the baby.
Rosalie ran over lightning fast and grabbed the baby. And sprinted away back to the house.
“OH MY GOD! MY NEWBORN IS GONE!” The woman cried.
“Here you go, Lady.” A former nurse at the hospital, where Carlisle worked, led Jasper, who happened to be doing yoga over to the woman. “Here’s your newborn. I caught him this time.”
Jasper looked at the woman. “You are NOT my mom!” He yelled and ran away trying to cry.
--
Rosalie came through the front door and closed it swiftly.
“What cha got, Rose?” Emmett asked as he walked down the stairs.
“My baby.” She stated proudly.
“You have a baby? You cheated on me?” Emmett fell to the floor whimpering.
“No, I stole him. And I will call him J.B. Cullen.”
Edward walked into the room. “You are naming the kid Jacob Black Cullen? Poor kid. Has such a stupid name.”
“No, his name is Jacob Bak(CENSORED) Cullen. And he’s my little baby.” She held him up.
“Jacob Bak(CENSORED) Cullen, nice. But you aren’t thinking about keeping a human child here, right?”
“No.” She held baby Jake out to Edward. “Bite him. It will be like practice for Bella.”
“Can’t fight with the logic.” He bit the baby Jake, who screamed bloody murder. “He’s all yours.”
“Yay!” Rosalie yelled through the baby’s screech.
At that moment, Carlisle and Esme got home. “What’s going on?”
“I’m a mother!” Rosalie yelled.
“Esme,” Carlisle looked at her. “I feel old.”
“Well, you should. You’re like 300 freaking years old. But I love you, you old pedophile.”
“I love you too, you much younger than me woman who could potentially be my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter.” They began to make out.
“Eww…”Edward and Emmett covered their eyes. “Grandparent love.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
Carlisle walked outside to see the entire yard covered in bloody corpses the cat had left. He called a family meeting.
“It has come to my attention, that someone, “ He looked straight at Emmett. “has bitten my Princess and made her a blood thirsty vampire cat. Which would be ok, except of the fact that now she has killed half the town.”
“I’m sorry, Carlisle.” Jasper said with his head down. “My emo-ness overtook my better judgment when Emmett asked me to bite the cat.”
“No, it’s fine. We just now have to kill it.”
“Yes, finally something I can do!” Emmett yelled and bounced up and down.
“We’ll need to attack her with knives and cut her up and burn.” He glanced at his group. The all nodded. “Ok, let’s go.”
Upon walking outside, everyone could see the carnage left by the sweet kitty.
“Butcher knives ready?” Once Carlisle asked, all the Cullens held up their knives in ready position.
Princess came into view. The Cullens pounced, but Princess was smart and summoned up her band of newborn vampires.
“She’s more powerful than Victoria.” Edward said as he slashed at a vampire ready to jump on him.
The battle raged for three days, without a clear-cut victor. Princess had collected many on her journey around Forks, she had been able to create an army so strong not even love, the most powerful emotion, could defeat it.
That’s when Bella arrived, with a butter knife, since she had heard of the vampire invasion. Princess saw her as a target and clawed at her. Bella screamed and began to stabbed the cat until it finally fell.
Bella quickly pulled out some lighter fluid and matches she kept in her back pocket for times like this and burned the remains. Bella smirked at her handy work.
“The evil cat is dead!” Emmett screamed, lifting Jasper up. He, Jasper and Edward began to sing.
Ding dong the cat is dead
Which old cat?
The vampire old cat
Ding dong the vampire cat is dead
--
The three-some danced until early morning, once the sun had risen they returned inside the house. Which is when there was a knock at the front door. Emmett answered it, to find a litter of black kittens in a box.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”
________________________________________________________________________________________
“Guys!” Alice shouted as she walked through the door. “Guys!”
“What, Alice?” Edward appeared to see her smiling like a wild woman.
“Look!” She opened the bag she was holding to reveal a bunch of random stuffed animals. She giggled at Edward’s expression.
“Ummm…aren’t you a little old for stuffed animals?”
“They’re not stuffed animals.” She laughed and waved her hand. “They’re even better. They’re Webkinz!” Her smile widened.
“Oh, and that makes them better how?”
“You can go online and play with them.”
“Can’t you just make a Neopets account? Or better yet, you can use Jasper’s and mine. I’m sure my uni (A/N: this species is a unicorn), Avnitia281666 (A/N: This is one of my actually Neopets) and Jasper’s shyru (A/N: this species is a dragon); Kennyoil (A/N: my sister’s 6th period group neopet) could use some loving. I don’t think we’ve fed them in about six years.”
“That’s just stupid. Why would I want to play a free online game, when I can pay twenty dollars for a stuffed animal and games for two and half year olds?” Alice spoke as if there wasn’t anything to argue.
“Fine, Alice.” Edward began to walk away.
“Oh, Edward! I’m naming the panda after you.” She lifted the panda from her bag. “Isn’t that right, Spedward?” She rubbed noses with the animal. “Oh yeah, Edward! I’m not going to feed you either!”
“Fine, I don’t need to eat anyway.”
--
Four weeks later, Alice was still obsessed with her Webkinz.
“Jaspy, aren’t you just the cutest little emo ever.” Alice patted the curly pink poodle she had dubbed, Jasper. “And you too, Emmy.” She raised a raccoon she had named Emmett. Next to her ‘Emmy’, was a gorilla named Rosalie, or as Alice called her, Rosy. Then there was Carlisle the hippo Alice called him, Carly. And finally, the penguin, Esme or Ezzy. Along with Eddy, her panda, they made the cutest group of furry stuffed Cullens ever.
“Alice,” Edward began. “Must you give us all cutesy little nicknames. It’s so, so unmanly for me, unemo for Jasper and right up Emmett’s alley.”
“Hey, I just bought a new bulldog and guess what I’m naming him?”
“I don’t know or care.”
“Ally!” She giggled.
“I thought you said it was a boy?”
“It is. Eddy, Carly, Emmy and Jaspy are my girls and Ezzy, Rosy and now, Ally are boys. I thought it would be a good change seeing how we’re going to be stuck in these genders for forever.”
“Whatever.”
--
Three weeks later, Alice had overthrown the Webkinz Company and now was running the entire operation from their home.
“Guys, we have to stop Alice.” Edward was extremely annoyed by her. “I say we nuke the Webkinz factory.”
“Ok.” Jasper and Emmett nodded.
And then the next day, Edward dropped a nuclear bomb on the Webkinz factory, causing World War III.
And all he could say was oops.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I got a pocket, I got a pocketful sunshine
I got a love and I know that’s it’s all mine…
Alice’s ring tone was blasting throughout the Cullen household. She answered politely. “Hello…this is her…. I did seriously…I wouldn’t have ever guessed! Thank you…goodbye.” She closed her phone terminating the conversation.
“Hey, Bella.” Alice ran over to tell Bella the news she had known for the past three days, but the event had just happened five seconds ago.
“Alice?”
“I had a vision that I was going to be picked to be on ‘Wheel of Fortune’ and I was right!” She grinned wildly.
“Alice, your visions are always right, so why are you so excited?”
“Pretend to be excited, Bella or I will bite you.” Alice growled.
“Fine, then I’m not excited in the least. Bite me, Alice.” Bella crossed her arms and began to stare down Alice.
“I was just kidding, Bella.” Alice backed off.
“You were seriously. Aww…I really want to be a vampire, and I’ll take any invitation I get.” Bella pouted.
“I know. Bring Jasper to the quote unquote ‘Magical Land of Vampires’ Emmett found, then he’ll bite you for sure.”
“You mean the Blood Bank, right?” Alice nodded. “Oh, Jasper!” Bella shouted. “I have a magically place we can go!” Bella ran off.
--
Four days later, Alice arrived on the set of The Wheel of Fortune. She squealed with joy as they took her to her make-up done. Usually she was doing Bella’s make-up, this was going to be a change.
“Wow, do you now how completely gorgeous you are?” The woman who was doing her make-up asked.
“Yes, I do!” Alice said happily. This made the woman incredibly jealous of the girl who didn’t look older than eighteen.
And so, she did Alice’s make-up so hideously that she was almost ugly. Almost ugly, because still Alice was completely stunning, even with lipstick down her cheeks, mascara in her hair, and thick lime green eye shadow (that was actually paint).
“Thank you.” Alice said as she left.
Five minutes later the game began. The first contestant spun the wheel; bankruptcy. And so, the next contestant spun. Again the person got nothing on the board. And finally it was Alice’s turn. She spun the wheel. “I’m going to land on 1,500.” She said with a smile.
“We’ll see.” The host said. But he didn’t know is that with Alice’s strength the wheel was going to spinning for quite awhile.
--
Seven hours later, the wheel slowed down and stopped on 1,500.
“I see you were right. Now have you decided a letter?”
“Ummm…can I solve the puzzle? Can I have the theme again?”
The host looked confused. “There’s nothing on the board, but alright. And of course, the theme is famous lines from Candide.”
“The answer is If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?. I’m right, aren’t I?” The host nodded; stunned that she got the answer so fast. Alice smiled.
After Alice foresaw the rest of the answers to all the puzzles, it was clear she was the winner. The other two contestants hadn’t even had a chance to answer one thing before Alice got the answer.
She was now on the final challenge, which she already knew that her mystery prize would be a trip to Hawaii, and the answer was Carlisle is a sexy doctor. She found it weird that her father type figure had made it into the final challenge, but whatever.
“Are you ready?” The host asked.
“Carlisle is a sexy doctor.” She said.
“We haven’t even started the clock yet!” He complained.
“I right, aren’t I?”
“Yes! I’m going to Hawaii.”
“Hawaii.” Both host and Alice said at the same time.
“Congratulations on winning a game show before we have even shown the first set of credits. Now what the heck do we do? We’ve got twenty-five minutes to waste!” The host yelled.
“Let’s dance!” Alice yelled.
“Ok.” And so they danced.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
“So, what are we doing today?” Edward addressed the group. They all were trying to ignore him, but Edward was being extra persistent. “Guys, come on.”
“Fine, what do you want to do?” Rosalie finally asked.
“I was thinking we could go to Hershey Park or something.”
“It’s that on the opposite coast?” Jasper looked confused.
“Yeah, but it would only take like ten seconds to run there.” Edward responded.
Alice smiled. “I like it. Let’s go!” She giggled. “And let’s invite the wolf pack along too.”
“That’s an awesome idea, Alice.” Edward beamed. “We can torment them all day!”
--
Five hours later, the car was packed full of werewolves and the stuff the Cullens needed. The Cullen children stood on the doorstep saying goodbye to Carlisle and Esme.
“Goodbye, Mommy and Daddy.” Emmett said as he hugged both of them tightly. “I love you and I will miss you very, very much.”
“You’re only going to be gone for about eight hours, Emmett. You’ll be fine.” Esme hugged back.
“So, what are you to going to do while we’re gone?” Alice questioned.
Esme looked over to Carlisle. “We are going to make some newborns. Right, dear?” Carlisle nodded.
“So you are going to go bite people?” Alice looked at her sort of parents.
“Yup.” Esme waved. “Bye, Kids. Have fun.” She smiled.
--
After a quick car ride, they finally reached Hershey Park.
“Yay!” Jacob yelled from under Emmett.
“Shut-up, Jake.” Edward snapped. Jake’s lip quivered and he sunk down under Emmett farther.
The group walked into the park together, holding hands, so that no one got lost. Esme told her children they had to or else they would grounded until the next century. And so, the werewolves and the vampires were skipping through the park.
“Must we skip?” Edward asked, extremely annoyed.
“Yes, Edward.” Alice said with a large grin. “We all need to be happy and skipping is so happy!” She started to swing the two hands she held, which were Sam’s and Paul’s. She giggled childishly.
Edward sighed and kept walking, or he tried to walk. Jacob, who was holding his right hand firmly, and trying to skip with the rest of the group, kept messing up his stride. Edward tugged on Jake’s hand, and started to drag him.
“Hey, let’s go on that!” Jasper said as he pointed to a rollercoaster, which was named Great Bear.
“It’s looks scary.” Emmett cringed behind Leah. “Protect me.” He commanded her.
“Oh, Emmett, it’s not that scary.” Rosalie said, clearly embarrassed by her husband. “Look, there’s a boy who looks like he’s four going on it.” She motioned with her hand that was holding Paul’s other hand, the one Alice wasn’t holding.
“He’s a scary four-year-old.” Emmett was now using Leah as a werewolf meat shield to protect him from the sight of the coaster.
“Emmett…” Rosalie gritted her teeth.
“Ok, let’s go.” Edward attempted to stop a fight before it erupted. The group agreed, except for Emmett, who was still holding on to Leah for dear eternity. Everyone decided to leave them both. Leah wanted to complain that she was being left with the baby, but she decided for once to keep her mouth shut.
They got to the entrance, when they were stopped. “I’m sorry, but I think you are too tall.” The ride attendant pointed to the group of werewolves. Edward smiled at the problem.
So, only in the end, only Jasper, Alice, Edward, and Rosalie went up to the coaster, but once they sat down in their seats, the entire train sunk about fourteen feet.
“I’m sorry, but you are all too heavy. You’re going to have to leave this ride.” Edward grumbled.
“Oh well.” Alice said and shrugged.
“So, what do we do now?” Jasper asked.
The ride attendant responded. “You can ride on the kiddie rides. Like the little tots train, and the bumblebee ride.”
“Oooo…”Alice was excited.
And for the next couple hours, the werewolves and vampires spent their time on all of the kiddie rides. Emmett was very happy. He said the bumblebees weren’t as scary as they looked.
--
____________________________________________________________________________________
Edward was stroking the keys on the family piano gently, playing a tune that he and Bella knew well, her lullaby. Humming softly as he played the melody he allowed himself to be trapped the sound around him. He swayed and closed his, he didn’t need to see the piano to play this song; he wrote it and it was forever instilled in his memory.
Edward had found peace; it was probably the most calming and wonderful thing. He imagined Bella being with him, her long dark hair falling to either side of her face like a cascading waterfall. Bella, you are so beaut-
His thoughts were halted by a voice he had prayed he wouldn’t have had to hear that day. “EDWARD!” Emmett screamed his ear. “EDWARD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
“What does it look like?” He motioned to the keys on the piano.
“It looks like you are practicing for the band you know we are starting because you already read my mind.”
Edward shook his head. “One, you mind is so boring I don’t even bother reading it anymore or at least I try not to. Two, who decided we are starting a band?”
“Umm…everyone, except for you of course. We already assigned instruments. Plus we have a fangirl already.”
“Who would want to be fangirl to your band?” Edward looked confused.
“Bella…duh!” Emmett smacked his head with his hand. “You are such a dunce, Edward.”
“Ok, whatever.” He rolled his eyes. “What am I playing?”
“The piano, dunce.”
“And you?”
“I will using my awesome drumming skills. And just so you don’t have to ask. Alice is going to be a back-up singer, as while as the bass guitar. Jasper has the electric guitar. And my gorgeous wife, Rosy, will the lead singer, of course.”
Edward shook his head upwards slightly. “Right…so I’m afraid to ask, but does this band have a name?” Edward winced, readying himself for a title such as ‘Spedward and the Legion of Vampires’ or something else stupid.
“Well…we wanted something that said something about us subtly, so we decided on ‘Cullens are Vampires’.” Edward smacked his forehead.
“Oh, no one will know we’re vampires now.” Edward’s voice dripping with sarcasm; the kind of sarcasm that went right over Emmett’s head.
“Yeah, right. But Jasper thought it would be a good idea to shorten the name. So our band name is ‘C.A.V.’.”
“CAV?”
“Yup. We have our first gig on Saturday, be ready.”
“Wait!” Edward reached for Emmett. “I haven’t even played with you guys yet!”
“Oh, you’ll be fine.” Emmett left the room.
Edward sighed and fell face first into the keyboard with a loud mess of random noise.
--
Saturday came far too fast for Edward, they were now standing on stage, light blazing into their retinas. Edward held an arm up to block the oncoming lighting as he sat at his piano bench waiting for the cue from Emmett. They hadn’t even practiced once as a complete band, this made Edward uneasy for the fact, no one, but him actually played anything.
“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Bella yelled from the crowd, while holding a sign that read ‘Piano boys are awesome boys!’ and the back it said ‘I heart the pianist!’. And, though Bella didn’t know, on the back in smaller print it also read ‘Jasper is one sexy beast.’, written by Emmett.
“Ok, everyone!” Emmett said and the rest of the band arrived. Alice was holding a Guitar Hero guitar, as was Jasper. Rosalie held a microphone from the American Idol karaoke game we have at home. And Emmett had the Rock Band drum set.
“Ready!” Emmett yelled, he readied himself.
“WAIT a second!” Edward shouted over him. “None of you can actually play instruments!”
“Yeah, but Alice and Jasper are kick butt awesome at Guitar Hero, Rosalie has 97 perfect on the song ‘Why Can’t I?’(A/N: the first time I played I got that), and I’m super AMAZING at the drums on Rock Band. So we’ll be fine.” Emmett waved Edward off.
“We don’t even know the same song.” Edward said, monotone.
“Fine, what songs do you guys know?”
“Alice and I know ‘Through the Fire and Flames’.” Jasper responded. Alice nodded.
“I know Bella’s lullaby.” Edward spoke.
“I know ‘Why Can’t I?’.” Rosalie smiled.
Emmett looked around, finally realizing he was an idiot. “I know…let’s sing-“
--
Five minutes later the concert began…
“Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream” Edward growled the words out and on the second line Jasper started, then Alice, Emmett and then Rosalie.
After about ten minutes of that round, Emmett walked up to the microphone. “And now for the alphabet song.” Edward roared. “Or ‘I Just Can’t Wait to be King’, whatever floats your boat Edward.” Emmett shrugged.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
The Cullen family stared intently at the T.V. screen as the Jedis fought valiantly across their line of vision. The groups had sat and watched the first five movies already and were now enjoying the sixth movie.
Edward had thought it a bad idea to let Emmett see Star Wars, because he might think he’s a jedi or something and try to takeover the world. But luckily, Emmett was watching the movie like a wide-eyed child, instead of overthrowing the world’s government.
The movie finally concluded and it was 2:51AM, leaving the Cullens about three hours before they had to be ready for school or work, so they decided to talk about the movie.
“OH MY GOD!” Rosalie nearly yelled. “Anakin, was so hott, especially when he was on fire.”
“Yeah, most people are hot when they are burning to death in lava.” Edward remarked.
“So, what did everyone think?” Alice asked.
“The wars were highly fabricated to today’s society. They were wusses.” Jasper commented. “If I were there, I would have made them Jedis cry by using my super awesomeness.”
“Right, Jasper.” Alice patted his shoulder. “Anyone else?”
Emmett, who was still sitting, bounced up and down with his hand waving in the air, like a fifth grader who really wants to answer, but their teacher is being a pain in the butt and refuses to call on them just for spite.
“Ummm…” Alice looked around pretending to ignore Emmett. “Emmett.” She pointed.
“YOU’RE A JEDI!” He screeched.
“What?”
“YOU’RE A JEDI! You, Edward, and Jasper, you guys have jedi mind powers!” Emmett began jumping on the chair pointing at them.
Bella appeared from out of nowhere and smacked Edward across the face, hurting her hand in the process. “Hey, what was that for? And how did you get here?”
“Because you’re a Jedi and you didn’t tell me. Plus I’m with the Empire, they give out free pens.” She smiled and held up a pen that read, ‘We overthrow your government, because we care’. “And I got here by…” She looked around. “I have no idea. It’s like someone just wrote that I was here.”
Bella and Edward both rose and eyebrow and looked up to the sky in question.
“I still don’t get how we’re Jedis.” Alice said with her hands on her hips.
“Easy,” Emmett began. “Edward you read people’s minds. Alice you can see the future. And Jasper you’re like LSD, you make people feel so good…”
“Huh?” Jasper looked just as confused as Edward and Bella who weren’t paying attention as they kept their pose looking towards the sky.
“OH MY GOD! YOU’RE ALL DARK JEDIS! I MUST PROTECT BELLA AND ROSALIE!” Emmett ran over and grabbed Bella and Rosalie. He threw a white sheet over both of them. “Ok, now they don’t know you’re here. I shall fight them! Ha-zah!”
He let out a battle cry and pounced on the ‘Dark Jedis’ before him.
--
Five minutes later, Emmett was hog tied and shut up in the closet right next to Jacob
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Guys!” Emmett yelled as he ran through the Cullen mansion. “Guys!”
“What, Emmy Baby?” Rosalie appeared in front of him. Smiling a very sexual smile, as if she was hinting something. To most they would think she was hinting some kind of romantic moment with her husband, but to Emmett it looked like she wanted a ham sandwich.
“Umm…Rose. Why do you want a sandwich?” He scrunched his face at her strange facial expression, trying to make a heads or tails of it, but somehow, he was getting torso of it. Which didn’t make sense to anyone, but Emmett.
“I don’t want a sandwich.” She growled. “What? Do you think I’m fat?” Emmett went to speak, but paused. “Oh, I saw you think that fat joke. Don’t deny it!” She slapped him.
Dang, how does she always know? “No, Rose. I just thought you wanted a sandwich because you were making your sandwich face.”
“Emmett, we don’t eat.” She crossed her arms.
“Oh, I forgot that.”
“So, did you come here to insult my weight or to tell me you came up with an idiotic idea for us all to do for the next couple hours?” She tilted her head.
“Yup! Let’s get everyone!” Emmett ran around and in three seconds flat all the Cullen children plus Bella were present and lined up. “GUYS! LET’S GO LARPING!”
“Larping?” Edward asked disgusted already.
“Live action role-playing! It’s so much fun!” Emmett bounced. “I already figured out who could be what in our clan!” He smiled.
“Emmett,” Edward started. “How is it physically possible that you came up with an even stupider idea than yesterday?”
“My ideas aren’t stupid, Edward. You just don’t have the brain capacity to understand.” Emmett replied annoyed. Bella laughed, causing Edward to glare at her and she shut up.
“So, Emmett. What did you have in mind for us?” Bella asked through her half-giggles.
“Bella, my love, you will be Pat, Queen of the Secret Underground People.”
“Umm…Emmett, if they’re a secret how do you know about them?”
“Internet.” He answered in a monotone voice. “Anyway, Rosalie you will be Sawyer, The Lovely Maiden of the East.” He bent down on one knee and kissed her hand.
“Thanks, hun.” She smiled.
“Edward, you are Pike, Servant to the Maiden of the East.” Edward moaned, how did he get all the stupid jobs. “And Jasper, you shall be Wind, God of Pinecones.”
“Pinecones?”
“Yes, don’t fight it! It’s in your blood!” Emmett danced around Jasper.
“I don’t have blood.” He gave Alice a confused look. She laughed.
“And who am I, Emmett?” Alice motioned to herself.
“Shea, Chick Married to the God of Pinecones.” Alice looked at Jasper, who shrugged. “And I’m Emmett, Overlord of Earth.”
“Wait!” Edward/Pike, Servant to the Maiden of the East, nearly yelled. “If you are overlord of the world I’m going to Mars. Who’s with me?” Jasper raised his hand and made his way over to Edward.
Bella looked torn between Emmett and his LARPing or the love of her life. She looked back and forth, knowing that if she left Emmett she would lose her title. Reluctantly, she went over to Edward.
“Thank you, Bella.” Edward whispered in her ear.
“Call me Pat, please.” She said quietly.
“Ok, Pat.” He leaned over and kissed her.
--
And that was how Pat, Pike and Wind ended up on Mars and created their own government, which lead to life on Mars.
Some oversized wolves eventually overtook Earth; with the one they call only ‘J’ at the top. After coming out of the closet, he lost the –acob of his name, and thus is only known as ‘J’.
Overlord Emmett, was sent away to the magically vampire land, and a new era began.
____________________________________________________________________________________
BACK IN THE TIME OF JACOB’S GREAT-GRANDFATHER
The current wolf pack at the time stood at the line that was soon going to be drawn as the treaty line. They waited patiently for the vampire’s leader, Carlisle, to finish signing the agreement.
The agreement read that as long as the vampires didn’t bite any human and stayed on their side of the line, off of La Push, there would be no war.
“Ok, then.” Ephraim Black said as he took the treaty back, glancing over it quickly. “Now let’s set the boundaries. Umm…we get all of La Push.”
“So, that tiny strip of land with a row of huts and a beach.” Carlisle said trying to understand the agreement.
“Correct. And you guys can have the rest of the world. Just stay away from our strip.” Ephraim and Carlisle shook hands. “Nice doing business with you.”
“You too.” Carlisle turned around to leave with his family.
“Oh yeah!” Levi Uley jumped excitedly. “We totally got the rainy beaches of Washington! And that pitifully small strip of land our broken down homes are built on! This is AWESOME!” Uley and Black high fived. “Oh yeah, take that bloodsuckers! Ha ha!”
--
“Ummm…Carlisle, they do realize they just shafted themselves, right?” Edward asked, completely confused by the werewolves’ decision to give them the entire world as their boundary, minus a tiny piece of land no one cared about.
“Just keep walking, Edward…before they notice.” The Cullens picked up the pace to escape the werewolves before they realized what they did.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
“OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S REALLY HIM!” A crazied fan girl screamed from outside the Cullen home.
“I know! Who would have thought he’d live so close!” Another girl giggled.
Bella pushed her way through the crowd trying to get to the house, so she could make-out with Edward.
“Excuse me…”She pushed passed a girl, who grabbed her shoulder.
“Oh no, you can’t cut to see Cedric Diggory! Back of the line!” The girls began to throw Bella back to the end of the line.
“Cedric? Who the heck is that? I’m here to see my boyfriend, Edward.”
“Sure you are.” The fan girls laughed as they threw her to the ground. Bella curled up in a ball and began to cry.
Four minutes later, the door of the Cullen home opened and Edward exited.
“CEDRIC! WE KNEW YOU WE’REN’T DEAD! WE LOVE YOU!” The girls screamed.
“Umm…thanks…have any of you seen my girlfriend, Bella?” He looked around for her, but was failing.
“Edward!” Bella screamed, but Emmett who was next to her out screamed her.
“OH MY GOD, BELLA! DID YOU KNOW CEDRIC LIVES HERE?” Emmett smiled hugely.
“Emmett, you live here! And that’s not “Cedric”, it’s Edward!” Bella was getting horribly frustrated.
“No, that’s totally Cedric. I think I’d know Edward better than you.”
“Emmett,” Edward used his magic wand to blow a path for himself. “Where’s Bella?”
“Oh, Edward it’s you! You’d never believe who I saw today?” Emmett was extremely excited.
“I sure hope it was Bella….”
“Cedric Diggory!” His voice a girlish shrill.
Edward wasn’t paying attention; he was too busy cleaning his wand. “Oh right, sorry, you’d never imagine how hard it is to get Voldemolt magic off of your wand. Oh yeah, where’s Bella?”
“Under the crowd of people.” Emmett pointed to a trampled Bella.
“Crap…I have an idea!” Edward ran up the stairs and stood on his front porch. “EVERYONE LOOK SHARKBOY!” He pointed to Jake, who happened to be happily skipping down the street.
“GET HIM!” The girls shrieked.
“FINALLY! GIRLS LIKE ME!” Jacob celebrated
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Edward was checking his e-mail. Fan girl, Fan girl, Fan girl, Bella, Carlisle, sent two seconds ago…Why can’t he just talk to me, he’s four steps away. Fan girl…’A message for someone special’ was the subject of an e-mail close to the end of his list. Edward read the screen name, ‘ThIsIsEmMeTtCuLlEN’. Jasper…
Edward gave up on trying to answer his mail, so he began to search the web for something to do. He found his way to Google, curious about what he might find, he typed in his name.
He waited two point six seconds, his computer was so slow, and soon the message at the top read about one million four hundred ninety thousand result matches (A/N: That’s the real number, I checked.).
“Yay…I have fans!” Edward said excitedly, feeling like Emmett for a moment. “I’m so popular!” He gazed down the list of sites.
Edward leaves Bella and she falls for Jacob. They get married. All Human. All real. All True. What the heck? He read the website under the strange and clearly untrue statement. Jacob loved him, not Bella. He was just using her to get to him. Wasn’t it obvious?
…What the heck is a fanfiction? He clicked on the site.
A list of random untrue statements appeared.
‘Carlisle proclaims his love for Bella. She breaks up with Edward.’. Eww…pedophile much.
‘Jacob imprints on a walrus.’. Ok, that one might be true.
‘Bella gets pregnant with Mike’s child. Alice is having an impossible sugar high. Edward can’t find his remote. Jacob can’t speak anything, but pig latin. Please R&R. Thx.’ That doesn’t even make any sense.
‘This is a collection of completely random moments in time during the everlasting lives of the Cullen family.’ Huh? That just sounds stupid. Who would write this crap? (A/N: Thanks, Edward…make fun of me…like Jasper. XD)
‘Edward goes on a killing spree during his rebel years, when he meets a young girl named Bella, who changes his outlook on his new life.’ What? I didn’t know Bella back then!
‘A new Cullen joins the family, Marina Cullen. How will Bella react when there’s a fight brewing for Edward’s affection? ExOC. JxOC. ExB. CxEmxRxEsxJasxAxJ. Really good story, please read!’ I only love Bella…who the heck is Marina? (A/N: cough Thanks again, Edward. Keep up the great work.)
‘jacobs son, Kevin, mets bella and Edwards daughter, lizzie, at school. a love blosoms, how will the parents like it?’. OH MY GOD! Bella and I have a kid! OH MY GOD! Why didn’t anyone tell me?
“I need to go ask Bella!” Edward left the computer. Carlisle walked over and looked at the screen. He read a few more ‘summaries’ as they were called.
Edward returned with Bella. “Bella, we have kids. It says right here.”
“It also says that Jasper and I are making love behind your back.” She pointed to a story.
“OH MY GOD! Why would you do that? It’s his fantastic hair, isn’t it?” Edward crossed his arms.
“No, he’s just more of a man than you.” She ruffled his hair.
“Umm…not break up this moment, but why in the world does it say that Billy Black, Chief Swan and I have a love triangle going on?” He clicked on the blue words that said, ‘Worlds Sexiest Men Make the Sexiest Love Triangle’. “It even goes into detail.”
“’Cause it’s actually happening.” Jasper walked in the room followed by Rosalie and Alice.
“Oh yeah…I have to call them. Bye.” Carlisle left.
“Jasper, look!” Edward pointed to the screen. “These people know our secret and are writing lies about us. The only thing they didn’t lie about was Bella and my children.”
“EDWARD! We DON’T have kids!” Bella screamed.
“Right…that’s what you want me to think.”
Jasper examined the website. “They know too much. They must be eliminated.”
“Jasper, what are you part of the Volturi now?” Edward looked confused.
“Ok, we’ll spare the writer writing the story about Jacob’s love for a walrus. Because we all know that one’s true, but the rest will feel the wrath of Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen! Muh ha ha!”
“Wait, Jacob loves a walrus?” Edward asked with his head cocked.
“Yeah, I do!” Jacob magically appeared in the middle of the room with his three hundred pound walrus lover, he called Patricia. “I tried girls after they realized I was Shark Boy, but seeing how I was a shark, I fell madly in love with aquatic animals.” He leaned over and smooched his girl/walrus-friend on the snot. “She loves me for who I am.”
“Back away slowly…we don’t want to upset…” Edward whispered to the group as they walked slowly away from the walrus orgy at the other side of the room.
“HOLY CRAP! It’s a FREAKING WALRUS!” Emmett screamed. “And Jacob is in love with her! Aww…Wait! My fanfiction is true…so it’s not fiction anymore! It’s fantruth! Yay!” Emmett danced.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Emmett typed quickly on the keys on the computer. He clicked and looked around searching for a card, a credit card to be exact. After stealing Carlisle’s credit card recently, he decided to take someone who doesn’t use their credit card, thus she wouldn’t miss it.
The card read, ‘Esme Cullen’. She never really left the house, so she never used her credit card. She wouldn’t know.
Emmett looked at items that were on the screen. That’s when Edward appeared, both to stop Emmett from doing something stupid and to party with Jasper for no reason. They just decided yesterday, that today was a good party day.
“Emmett, what are you doing now?” Edward put his hands on his hips.
“Edward, stop that!” Alice yelled from the stairs.
“What?” Edward pressed his hands tighter into his hips.
“Get your hands off of your hips! It makes you look like a girl!” Alice ran over and pulled his hands away from his body.
“Seriously, Edwarda, you really need to start acting like a guy! First off, stop having hissy fits over everything. It’s not manly. Two, when Emmett says we should do something stupid, punch him in the face. It’s much more manly. And three, stop using Rosalie’s perfume. You smell like pansies.”
“But I like pansies. And Bella thinks I smell good.”
Alice rolled her eyes at him. “She also thinks Emmett smells good. And he smells like cardboard.”
“Hey, just because I hang out at Fed-Ex with Jasper, doesn’t mean you have to make fun of me for it!” Emmett tried to defend himself. “It’s our super secret hide out for our super secret club, that girls and Edward can’t join. So, ha!” He stuck his tongue out at her.
“You and Jasper are at Fed-Ex all the time because you’re trying to figure out how you two can ship yourselves to China to play with panda bears.”
“How did you know?” Emmett looked surprised. “Jasper spilled the beans didn’t he? Darn him and his fabulous hair.”
“One, what does his hair have to do with this? And two, he didn’t tell me. I had a vision of the two of you rolling around and eating bamboo, which you both threw up, with pandas, so I just put two and two together and got China.”
“Oh, so two plus two equals China. No wonder when I put six I got it wrong. OH MY GOSH! YOU CAN SEE THE FUTURE, ALICE?”
She nodded. “Emmett, I’ve always been able to see the future. Why are you so surprised?”
“I’m not I just felt like yelling something.” Emmett turned back to the screen. He was on and was looking for some good deals on stuff to buy for his trip to China.
Edward put his hands on his hips once more. “Edward…” Alice growled as she drug him away to make a man out of him, whether he liked it or not.
Jasper walked into the room. “Emmett are you ready?”
“Yeah, I’m just ordering a Bill Gates biography, so that we can teach the pandas how to read. And then how to create a muti-billion dollar company! And then pandas will rule the world!”
“I have two words for you. Awe. Some.”
The two readied themselves for the trip. The obtained the Bill Gates book and knew it was no or never. They went straight down to Fed-Ex express and boxed themselves in. Once they knew they were sealed up, they both waited for the pandas.
--
They finally reached China and the pandas. It was then that Emmett and Jasper taught the pandas how to read and write. And though the pandas never succeeded in world domination. They did however take the world by storm with their software; PandaSoft.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Emmett stared at the T.V. as he had gotten used to in the past couple months. He was excited by the flashing images that crossed his sight. He laughed and giggled as a My Little Pony commercial came on the screen.
“EDWARD! Your favorite commercial is on!” Emmett called him. Ever since Edward put his hands on his hips, his entire world had changed. His masculinity was all, but gone. And now he enjoyed sitting and watch the My Little Pony movie on a daily basis.
Alice had long ago given up hope on trying to salvage Edward’s manly-ness. She decided to turn her attention back to Jasper, and try to break his habit of playing Viva Piñata like a religion. So far she had only succeeded in making him make her, a piñata that looked like her.
Edward skipped merrily down the stairs. He stopped at the T.V. were Emmett sat and watched intently as the ponies pranced across the screen. Emmett and Edward’s head tilted back and forth with the song that played in the background.
The commercial ended. “That just gets better and better.” Edward said. Emmett nodded in agreement.
The next commercial began, but it was it was soon realized by both it was more of an infomercial, than a commercial.
“Kids Bop 34. This has got all the hottest songs sang by kids. Just listen…” The commercial continued with some children singing in off-key unison.
“Oh my gosh!” Emmett looked and listened to the screen.
“Let’s make a Cullen Bop!” Both Emmett and Edward said at the same time. Edward could already tell that he was turning into Emmett’s twin. He blamed pandas for his loss of his masculinity, if Emmett hadn’t wanted to go to China to play with pandas, he would have never put his hands on hips. And then Alice wouldn’t have freaked out.
Why the heck couldn’t she have had a vision of that to warn me? Edward thought bitterly, but then he remembered the ponies and smiled.
Two weeks later and a ton of convincing to remove Jasper from playing Viva Piñata, plus even more convincing him that his piñata couldn’t come with them, because it didn’t exist, the Cullens and Bella were in the recording studio.
Carlisle and Esme were going to sing first, a duet. They choose “Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off” by Panic at the Disco, somehow the managed to make it a duet by breaking up.
Carlisle started first. “Is it still me that makes you sweat?”
Then Esme. “ Am I who think about in bed?”
They completed their song in record time. Next up was Jasper, who told everyone he was working on a solo album anyway, so he’d just use one of his original songs.
He started by strumming a few chords on his guitar. Then he sang.
“I’m Jasper.
My name rhymes with Casper
My wife’s name is Alice
She’s prettier than a lattice”
Jasper went on for about twelve minutes straight without out stopping. Finally, Edward knocked on the glass window in front of Jasper, ending his song.
Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett sang next. Their song was pretty much Rosalie talking about how completely and utterly gorgeous she is. While Alice and Emmett made up something that sounded like backup, but at the same time, sounded like wounded bearcats.
The entire song was such a disaster; I won’t even go into detail (A/N: And I don’t want to write another song…anyway….). I will save you from the horror. You’re welcome.
Bella looked over to Edward once they three-some were done performing. He nodded and they proceeded into the studio.
They readied themselves. Edward had chosen the song, he said it was a winner, and though Bella hadn’t heard his song choice yet, she trusted him.
The music began playing; it was song Bella hadn’t heard in so long.
“You picked ‘That’s What Girls Do”.” He nodded and began to sing.
“You ask me why I change the color of my hair, yeah.”
Bella replied. “You ask me why I need thirty-two pairs of shoes to wear.”
--
The CD went triple platinum in three weeks, due to Jasper telling all of his piñata friends to buy it. Apparently, piñatas like the way vampires sing. Go figure.
--
Edward was working on his ballet that he had decided to take up yesterday. Bella watched him through the kitchen door. She was becoming increasingly disgusted with his lack of masculinity.
“Alice!” She shouted.
“Bella!” Alice yelled into Bella’s ear, because they were three inches from each other.
“Let’s get Edward his masculinity back!” Bella cupped her hands to emphasis the sound.
“Ok! But we’ll need some studly men!” Alice replied in her same yelling voice.
“Ok! Like who!” Bella found a megaphone and turned it up on high, so that she was ten times louder than prior.
“Ummm! I don’t know! Darth Vader!”
“Darth Vader! Isn’t he dead!” Bella hooked her megaphone up to some massive speakers the Cullens had in their kitchen for no particular reason.
“Yeah, but so are we! So it won’t matter!” Alice screeched.
Bella held up a thumbs up and as soon as she did, Jasper and Emmett plowed their way through the kitchen with Rosalie in tow.
“Hey!” Bella shouted through the speakers. “Do you guys want to make Edward a man again!”
“I can’t.” Jasper looked at Bella. “I’ve got a date to play Bop-It with my piñata amigos. And they throw candy at me if I blow them off.”
“Well, bring the Bop-It and the piñatas!” Alice stood next to his ear and shouted. “They are probably more manly than he’s being right now!”
“Yeah, piñatas are pretty dang manly.” Jasper agreed.
“Emmett!” Bella cranked the speakers and her megaphone all the way up, so that they were nearly knocked over from the sound. “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE MANLY!”
“Yup, and he’s got a manly game too.” Emmett said happily.
“OK, BRING HIM WITH YOU! I THINK THAT’S EVERYTHING!” Bella told the group to break, and that they did.
--
“Ok, this does not look like the man bag section of Wal-Mart, like you said it was, Bella.” Edward was getting all hissy fitty. It was like it was that time of the month, which was completely impossible for him. As well as quite disturbing to think about.
“No, it’s not, Edward!” Bella brought her megaphone with her. She found it so much fun. “You are going to be manly again! Like it or lump it! ALICE!”
Alice jumped out of nowhere and smiled. “You first step to regain the masculinity the pandas so rudely stole from you is…taking on Darth Vader in a light saber battle.” Vader stood menacing looking at Edward, who was searching for his man bag.
“Nope.” Edward shook his head. “No way I’m fighting him.”
“But you are!” Bella shouted. “EMMETT! JASPER! HE’S RESISTING!” Emmett and Jasper appeared and forced a light saber into his hand and threw him in the ring.
Edward was trying to actually fight Vader, when he realized, he was a vampire, he had forgotten. So Edward pulled out all the stops and was about to destroy Vader, when he heard Bella cry out.
“EDWARD, NO! HE’S A RENTAL! WE HAVE TO HAVE HIM BACK BY SIX!” Edward glanced at his watch, five fifty two. He let go of the light saber, still not feeling the masculinity restored.
“Well, that didn’t work.” Alice started. “Next stage is playing extreme Bop-It with piñatas.” She threw him the Bop-It. He never liked these things. The twist it always got stuck and he would lose. Or he would bop-it too hard and smash the thing. Plastic was a terrible invention for vampires. Next they’ll be making stuff out of paper.
The piñatas encircled Edward, staring him down. “AND GO!” Bella screamed.
Twist it, pull it, bop it, twist it, twist it, pull it, bop it… Edward was doing well until he was mauled by the piñatas; they knocked him to the group with a Jolly Rancher. Then proceeded to beat him with Tooties Rolls.
Eventually, the lead piñata named Casper, won. Though beaten, Edward felt that the dirty fighting of the piñatas made him more masculine.
“You final stage will be…” Alice paused for dramatic effect. “You must watch the scariest movies ever to exist…Enchanted and Wall-E(A/N: Our step-brother is terrified of these movies).” The crowd that randomly appeared gasped in horror. "Both of these movies were brought by Emmett's masculine friend, Jacob Black." Jake waved.
"Jake's not masculine...he's a puppy." Edward complained.
"I've got a girlfriend." Jake fought back.
"It's a walrus..."
"Ok, you two." Alice stopped them. "Edward, watch the movies and become a man again."
Edward sat and watched the horror (A/N: I actually like both of those movies).
--
After seventeen and half hours, Edward was finished. And he was one studly man of a man. And together with Bella they vowed to never let any type of bear ever come between them again.
Then the piñatas and Jasper became world champion Bop-It masters.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Emmett pushed his way through the door to his and Rosalie’s room. She was sitting staring at herself, as she did daily. Her and Jacob would make a perfect couple, they’re both in love with themselves.
“ROSALIE!” Emmett yelled.
“I’m so pretty…Oh so pretty. What’s that?” She leaned her ear closer to the mirror she was looking in. “I’m gorgeous…what was that?” She leaned farther. “I’m as obsessed with myself as Jacob Black.” Insulted, Rosalie took her comb and smashed the mirror.
“That’s the last time you tell me I’m like Shark Boy.” She kicked the pieces of the mirror on the floor. “What do you want, Emmett?”
“I wrote a children’s book!” He smiled holding out a book made of printer paper and tied together with some ribbon that was fringed at the ends.
“That’s nice.” She looked around. “Do you think I can steal Edward’s mirror? I haven’t seen myself in four seconds. I miss me.” She frowned.
“Can you read it to me, Rose?” Emmett was begging her.
“Shouldn’t you know what it says? You wrote it.”
“Jasper and Alice edited for me, so they may have changed some things.” He fell to his knees, holding his hands together. “Please, Rosalie!”
“Alright.” She glanced about the room once more. “You need to get me a mirror first.”
He nodded, leaving the room. Returning with the mirror from Edward’s room.
“Should I put it here?” Emmett set it down, so Rosalie could stare at herself.
“Perfect. Now, let’s see.” She gazed over the cover. It was a poorly drawn picture of what looked like a bunny. The front read, Simba the Bunny By: Emet Culen Edited: By Jasper and Alice Illustrations by: Edward Cullen.
“Emmett, you spelled your name wrong.” Emmett waved it off.
“Just read it.”
“First you have to tell me what the heck this is on the cover.” She pointed to the blob on the front. “I think it’s either a pack of wildebeests or a water buffalo.”
“It’s a bunny. Edward just can’t draw to save his life. Now on with the story.”
She rolled her eyes at her husband and began. “Look, it’s a bunny named Simba.” A poorly drawn bunny/zebra was on the page. Note to self, never let Edward draw again…for forever. “Watch Simba hop.”
“And look, there’s a vampire named Emmett.” Rosalie looked at the stick figure that was supposed to Emmett, but looked more like a moose. Never again.
She flipped the page. “Emmett can bite the bunny. Can you bite the bunny?” There was a sketch of the Emmett/moose biting into the bunny/zebra. Though it was hard to tell with all the red on the page. “Emmett, I hardly see this fit for kids.”
“Of course, kids will love it. It’s got bunnies.”
“Bunnies that get the blood sucked out of them by vampires.”
“Kids should be prepared at a young age for what might happen. ‘Cause let’s say some kid reads this book, then years later Jasper loses his mind and mauls the kid. Well then the kid would have known that he was not alone when he got mauled. Simba the bunny got mauled too. Thus it’s ok for Jasper to maul children.” Emmett finished his last sentence with a grin on his face.
“Emmett, what the heck are you on?” She paused. “’Cause I want some.”
“Sure, but later. Can we finish the book?” She nodded.
She found her place and started to read again. “But Emmett didn’t drink all of the bunny’s blood. So the bunny was alright.” There was another horribly drawn drawing of what looked like to cougars fighting over a bagel, but Rosalie assumed it was the bunny and Emmett.
“Simba became a bloodthirsty monster. Are you a bloodthirsty monster?” The picture was that of Simba the bunny/zebra devouring what looked like Jacob. “ Emmett looked happily upon his new friend and from then on, they were best friends.” The drawing was the Emmett/moose and Simba the bunny/zebra hugging in what was supposed to be a heart, but Edward drew an octagon instead.
“And then Simba and Emmett terrorized the local town, by overthrowing the town mayor, and taking over. They then, raised taxes and made everyone celebrate national Jasper Whitlock Day.”
“SEE! I TOLD YOU JASPER AND ALICE CHANGED SOMETHING!” Emmett grew very angry at the final sentence of his story.
“What did they change, Emmett?” Rosalie asked as she tried to get a good look at herself in the mirror. She had gone about ten minutes without looking at herself. The withdrawal was killing her.
“It was supposed to be national rice pudding day.” Emmett sobbed for the loss of his rice pudding.
“It’s alright. I’m still gorgeous.” She stood and got close to Edward’s mirror. Smiling at herself she asked. “Mirror, mirror from Edward’s wall. Whose the vainest of them all?”
The mirror replied. “Jacob Black.”
________________________________________________________________________
Emmett, get down here!” Rosalie yelled up the stairs.
Emmett lumbered down the stairs, with annoyed expression.
“Emmett, come smell this pillow.”
Emmett grabbed it from her, took his pointer finger and scratched right where Alice had sprayed.
Alice quickly said, “Emmett, why are you scratching the pillow?”
He looked up, confused.
“Rose wants me to smell it,” he answered with ‘duh’ look at Rosalie and me.
I laughed and said, “Emmett, it’s not a scratch-and-sniff pillow.”
(Btw its set in New moon when Bella goes to the Cullens house)
I pushed myself out of my truck to look up at the big white house.
My breathing was creeping toward hyperventilation as I climbed the front steps.
I was scared to look in the windows. I was scared to see nothing there.
I put my hand on the doorknob and twisted it. I was surprised when it opened.
I walked in slowly my shoes sliding on the wooden floor.
I looked over at the grand piano. His piano.
I froze.
“You inspired this one.”
The sound of his voice echoed through my head.
I walked over to the piano.
What was I doing? I should be running away from this sort of thing not welcoming it.
I sat down on the bench.
In the last few months I’d taken up piano playing.
I don’t know why. Maybe it was the only way I could hold on to him.
I felt the ivory keys with my finger tips.
And then I had an idea.
I got up and ran back to the truck to get my book bag and then I ran back to the piano.
I took out a piece of paper and started to write.
Three hours later I had a song.
Never thought I’d be able to do that.
I put the paper in front of me so I could play.
It wasn’t an original song.
But it was what I was feeling.
I started to play.
And sang along with it.
I was stained, with a role, in a day not my own
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew, what was right I just didn’t know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight
And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say goodbye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I’ve seen,
Cause I’ve seen.. Twilight..
I stopped then because I heard a voice in the room.
“Bella.”
EDWARDS POV
I needed to come back. I knew I had to. I just had to see her.
I was in the forest near Forks watching as Bella got into her truck and sped down the street.
Where was she going?
I followed her.
When I saw her turn the corner into the meadow where my old house was I thought I felt my heart come back to life.
I hid in the trees for three hours.
Watching her writing. What was she writing?
And then she turned to the keys and started playing.
That was it. I couldn’t wait.
I walked to the house.
She was playing. I watched her and then I had to cut in.
“Bella.”
She looked up with wide eyes.
BELLAS POV
I looked up and Edward was standing there watching me.
Its an illusion Bella. Just an illusion.
I ignored it and went back to the keys.
Never cared, never wanted
Never sought to see what flaunted
So on purpose so in my face couldn’t see beyond my own place
And it was so easy not to behold what I could hold
But you taught me I could change whatever came within these shallow days
The tears started coming but I kept singing.
And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say goodbye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I’ve seen, cause I’ve seen..
As the sun shines through it pushes away and pushes ahead
It fills the warmth of blue and leaves a chill instead and
I didn’t know that I could be so blind to all that is so real
But as illusion dies I see there is so much to be revealed..
I couldn’t sing or play anymore but I kept going. I was sobbing now.
And then I felt cold hands pull me away from the piano.
Suddenly I was sitting in the corner of the room in Edwards arms.
“Shh.. Bella, love.” he wiped the tears from my face.
“E-Edward?” I looked up at him. My vision was blurry because all of the tears but it was him. He was there. “What a-are you doing h-here?”
He smiled. But I could see the pain in his eyes.
“I didn’t think you’d be this bad, Bella.”
“What d-do you mean?”
“Look at you, sweetheart.. I’m sorry to say this, but you’re a mess.” he looked down at me.
I finally looked at him clearly. He didn’t look so good either.
“Edward.. You.. Are you okay?”
“I am now.”
I touched the side of his face with my hand. “You’re actually here.”
He nodded and wiped the rest of the tears from my face. “I couldn’t stay away, love.”
I smiled and he smiled back.
“So what was that you were playing, hm?” he stroked my cheek with his thumb.
I looked back at the piano. “A song.”
He grinned, “Well obviously.”
I laughed.
“Could you play it for me?”
I looked up at him, “Sure.”
He helped me over to the piano and sat beside me on the bench.
I bit my lip.
“What?” he said.
“Nothing.. I just.. Never..played in front of anyone.. Except my teacher..”
He smiled. “Please?”
I smiled back. “Okay.”
I took a deep breath and started playing.
Then I stopped, “Wait where do you want me to start from?”
“Where you left off is fine..” He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.
I smiled and turned to the keys.
And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say goodbye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I’ve seen, cause I’ve seen.. Twilight..
I was stained, by a role, in a day and not my own
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew, what was right
I just didn’t know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight..
I walked into my bedroom to find Edward reading a book on my bed.
"Whatcha reading?" I asked looking over his shoulder. The words looked strangely familar.
"This book called Twilight..." He kept reading.
"What's it about?" It sounded so familar...
"A girl who falls in love with a vampire." Ha. Maybe it's like my diary...Wait a minute!
"THAT'S NOT A BOOK IT'S MY DIARY!"
IM User names
PillowBiter- Edward
StupidLamb- Bella
ManlyMan- Emmett
MoodyGuy- Jasper
ihateWolfShapeshifters- Rosalie
Jacobizastalker- Nessie
ilostmymeds- Carlisle
RenesmeeIsSexy-Jacob
MotherlyFigure- Esme
IlikeBananas- Mike
ImtehKing- Aro
IHazTehVision- Alice
-PillowBiter Has Entered The Chat Room-
-StupidLamb Has Entered The Chat Room-
Stupidlamb: Hey Eddiekinz!
Pillowbiter: Hey Bella
Pillowbiter: By The Way
Pillowbiter: DONT CALL ME EDDIEKINZ!
-Mannlyman has entered the chat room-
Mannlyman: SUP HOMIE DOG G, BISCUIT HOMESLICE FOSHIZZLA?!
Mannlyman: WHY IS EVERYTHING IN SUCH BIG LETTERS?
Mannlyman: WHAT DID ROSE DO TO MY COMPUTER??
Stupidlamb: lol Emmett
Mannlyman: DO NOT LAUGH AT MEH PAIN!!1
Pillowbiter: Emmett, it's called Caps Lock. Turn it off.
Mannlyman: WHY SHOULD I? MAYBE I LIKE BIG LETTERS!
Stupidlamb: Emmet you just said you didn't want big letters
Mannlyman: WELL, I CHANGED MEH MIND! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Pillowbiter: Emmett, are you suffering from PMS?
Pillowbiter: Or are you bipolar? Like Hannah Montana
Mannlyman: PMS? WTH IS THAT? SOUNDS KEWL, WHERE CAN I GET ONE!
Mannlyman: FYI HANNAH MONTANNA IS MONTANNA'S CAPITAL. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
Stupidlamb: Hannah Montana is a singer, Emmett.
Pillowbiter: Yea, she's 14, has blond beautiful hair...
Stupidlamb: EDWARD!!
Pillowbiter: Erm, sorry.
_______________________
-MannlyMan enters chatroom-
Mannlyman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1
Mannlyman: WHY DOES THIS WORLD HAVE TO BE SO CRUEL?
Mannlyman: WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?
-Moodyguy enters chatroom-
Moodyguy: What's wrong Emmett?
Mannlyman: I BIT HANNAH MONTANA!!
Moodyguy: YOU BIT HANNAH MONTANA?!
Moodyguy: Sweet!
Mannlyman: THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER BLOOD!
Moodyguy: Why doesn't that surprise me?
Moodyguy: Will she be joining our family?
Mannlyman: NO! SHE HAD THE OPPOSITE EFFECT OF MY VENOM!
Moodyguy: What happened?
Mannlyman: SHE...
Moodyguy: It's okay Emmett, you can say it!
Mannlyman: SHE...!!
Moodyguy: SAY IT ALREADY!
Mannlyman: SHE TURNED INTO A WOLF!
Mannlyman: SHE JOINED A PACK TO THE SOUTH OF HERE!!
Mannlyman: HER BLOOD WAS ALL WRONGISH!
Moodyguy: Are you sure it wasn't her blood that was the problem?
Mannlyman: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Mannlyman: NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Mannlyman: -THINKS REAL HARD ABOUT IT-
Moodyguy: Wow, Emmett.
-Moodyguy leaves the Chatroom-
-ihateWolfShapeshifters Enters Chatroom-
IhateWolfShapeshifters: EMMETT YOU IDIOT! WHY DID YOU BITE HER? UGH! THAT'S IT!!
Mannlyman: NJFNJFNJD84NM3BBT93 093BRJFBNF38RHF... OWWWWWW
IhateWolfShapeshifters: TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!!
Jacobizastalker enters chatroom
Jacobizastalker: Aunt Rose?
IhateWolfShapeshifters: Yes, darling?
Jacobizastalker: Why the hell are you beating the crap out of Uncle Emmett?
IhateWolfShapeshifters: RENESMEE CULLEN! Where did you learn that language?
Jacobizastalker: Uncle Emmett.
Jacobizastalker: I also learned fu-
IhateWolfShapeshifters: EMMETT MARIE CULLEN!!
Mannlyman- WHAT? SOMEONE HAD TO TEACH THE KID SOME MANNLY WORDS!!1
Mannlyman: ROSE ST- HJBVHBSHFBDHSBVH OWWWWWWWWWWW!!1
-Pillowbiter has entered the Chatroom-
Pillowbiter: Rose, why are you beating up Emmett?
Jacobizastalker: Daddy! I learned a new sentence!
Pillowbiter: And what is that, honey?
Jacobizastalker: Go to hell Emmett!
Pillowbiter: ...
Pillowbiter: AND WHAT MORON TAUGHT YOU THAT SENTENCE?!
Jacobizastalker: Aunt Rosalie!
Jacobizastalker: And Aunt Alice,
Jacobizastalker:And Grandma Esme,
Jacobizastalker: And Grandpa Carlisle,
Jacobizastalker: And Uncle Jasper,
Jacobizastalker: And Mommy!
Pillowbiter: EMMETT!
Mannlyman: STOP ROSE! GO AWAY ED-
Mannlyman: HNJBFDBFSDF FISDGFRE8TFNDJFH OWWWWWWWWWW!!
-Stupidlamb enters chatroom-
Stupidlamb: OOO, Catfight!
Jacobizastalker: Mommy, why were you and Daddy wrestling each other last night?
Stupidlamb: Renesmee!! You were supposed to be sleeping!
Jacobizastalker: I couldn't fall asleep! You guys were too loud!
Pillowbiter: I'm back.
Jacobizastalker: Daddy, why were you and Mommy wrestling each other last night?
Pillowbiter: SOMEONE NEEDS TO CLEANSE THIS CHILDS MIND!
-Pillowbiter left the chatroom-
-Stupidlamb left the chatroom-
-Jacobizastalker left the chatroom-
Mannlyman: HEY ROSE, WANNA “WRESTLE” WITH ME TONIGHT? -WINK-
IhateWolfShapeshifters: WHY DON'T YOU ASK HANNAH MONTANA?
-IhateWolfShapeshifters left the chatroom-
Mannlyman: DARN!
________________________
-PillowBiter Enters Chatroom-
-Stupidlamb Enters Chatroom-
-Mannlyman Enters Chatroom-
-ilostmymeds Enters Chatroom-
-Motherlyfigure Enters Chatroom-
-iHazTehVizion Enters Chatroom-
-MoodyGuy Enters Chatroom-
-iHateWolfShapeshifters Enters Chatroom-
-JacobIzaStalker Enters Chatroom-
-RenesmeeIsSexy Enters Chatroom-
ilostmymeds: CULLEN FAMILY MEETING!
IhateWolfShapeshifters: HE SAID CULLEN FAMILY MEETING!! GET OUT DOG!
RenesmeeisSexy: SHUT UP BLONDIE!
Pillowbiter: I find your screename disturbing, Jacob.
Jacobizastalker: I find it very well fitting, Daddy...
Pillowbiter: Once again, SOMEONE NEEDS TO CLENSE THIS CHILD'S MIND!
Motherlyfigure- ANYWAY, Carlisle and I are leaving tonight. I expect all of you cough Emmett to be on your best behavior
Mannlyman: DARNIT!
ilostmymeds: And no throwing a house party cough Alice.
IhazTehVizion: DARNIT!
Motherlyfigure: Bye Guys!
Jacobizastalker: Hey Grandma and Grandpa?
ilostmymeds: Yes, Renesmee?
Jacobizastalker: Can I wrestle with Jacob tonight?
Motherlyfigure: What do you mean by wre...
Motherlyfigure: Oh god!
Stupidlamb: RENESMEE! NO YOU MOST CERTAINLY NOT!
Pillowbiter: I'll get the holy water!
-Motherlyfigure has left the chatroom-
ilostmymeds: I'm watching you!
Ilostmymeds: 00
-ilostmymeds has left the chatroom-
ihaztehvision: PARTY TIME!!
Moodyguy: Alice, you heard Carlisle and Esme!
Ihaztehvision: They said no house parties. They never said anything about AIM parties!
Renesmeeissexy: OH GOD!
Stupidlamb: You're evil!
Mannlyman: I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK!!1
Pillowbiter: Emmett, will you do us all a favor and turn off Caps lock?
Mannlyman: GURRRR!
Pillowbiter: Nevermind!
Ihaztehvizion: -turns on Soulja Boy-
Renesmeeissexy: -turns on nickelback-
Moodyguy: -turns on The Star Spangled Banner-
Pillowbiter: -turns on debussy-
Jacobizastalker: -turns on Rhianna-
Stupidlamb: -turns on Coldplay-
IhateWolfShapeshifters: -turns on Plain White T's-
Mannlyman: -TURNS ON HANNAH MONTANA-
Mannlyman: -SOB-
IhateWolfShapeshifters: EMMETT!!
Mannlyman: NOOO...BJHBFHBHDFBHRW 47H4GB5RFGH4RH4GFHVDGV OWWWWWWW!
IhateWolfShapeshifters: YOU DESERVE THAT!!
-ilikebananas Enters the chatroom-
iLikeBananas: Word on the street has it, Cullen's are throwing an AIM party.
IhateWolfShapeshifters: Who the hell is this?
Ilikebananas: This is Mike from da hood!
Mannlyman: MIKE NEWTON! HEY MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHA' MOTHA'!
Stupidlamb: Emmett, you don't have a mother.
IlikeBananas: Hey Bella!
Stupidlamb: NOT INTERESTED MIKE!
Ilikebananas: Rawr!
Stupidlamb: Hey Mike, whatever happened to my garnet?
Ilikebananas: I KNOW NOTHING!
Pillowbiter: He has it framed in his bedroom!
Stupidlamb: PERVERT!
Ihaztehvizion: I thought Jazz, Carlisle, Emm and Ed were supposed to be the perverts...?
Moodyguy: WHAT? LIES!
Pillowbiter: WHAT? LIES!
Mannlyman: TRUE.
IlikeBananas: How did you know that, Edward?
Pillowbiter: I stalk you every night.
Pilowbiter: I'm watching your every move 00
iLikebananas: Creepy.
-Imtehking has entered chatroom-
imtehking: Word on the street is, Cullens are having a party. Is this true.
Mannlyman: AND WHAT LOSER IS ASKING?! GET OUT MORON!!1
Imtehking: Aro of the Volturi.
-IhateWolfShapeshifters: EMMETT!!
-Stupidlamb: EMMETT! YIKES!
-PillowBiter has left the Chatroom-
-Stupidlamb has left the Chatroom-
-Mannlyman has left the Chatroom-
-iHazTehVizion has left the Chatroom-
-MoodyGuy has left the Chatroom-
-iHateWolfShapeshifters has left the Chatroom-
-JacobIzaStalker has left the Chatroom-
-RenesmeeIsSexy has left the Chatroom-
ilikebananas: The Volturi? What's that? Is it an illegal Pimp club?
Imtehking: Were vampires you foolish mortal!
Ilikebananas: Oooo! Are you an illegal underground strip club? Sign me up! Can I be a pole dancer? I have a verry big and appealing b-
imtehking: I have to go.
-Imtehking has left the chatroom-
ilikebananas: Is that a yes or a no?